i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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