I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
