I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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