You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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