I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
