I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
