so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
