this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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