We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
