hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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