shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
