i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
