I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
