meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
