More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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