I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We named our party play list daddy issues
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
