If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish i was in the wii world.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
