I think I am morally bankrupt
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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