About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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