No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
