remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
