Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
