ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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