Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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