My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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