I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
