I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
