people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dick very happy bro
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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