i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Damn victory sex feels great
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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