Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
