how can u be prego again
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
