how can u be prego again
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
