grandma shit on top of the toilet
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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