dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize