seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
