Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
