Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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