a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
