You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize