I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
