I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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