I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
