Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
