Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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