Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
