I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
