you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
