I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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