I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
