Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
