So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
