And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
