it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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