Already got asked if we're dating
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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