I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
