hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
