Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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