Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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