Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize