Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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