Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
