I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
