if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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