Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
