Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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