yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Did I show you my penis last night?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
