I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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