My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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