just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
